Deep Feeling On New Years

Please...anyone who wants to see the photos I added refer to the post before. I wouldn't usually do another post so quickly but I feel like I need to just talk about my feelings here. I hide them so well at this time of the year but I become overwhelmed by them and then I burst out in tears. I have had a good Christmas. I am very interested to know if any of FA families or FA adults feel this way...the way I will explain.
Every year I feel this way. I watch people celebrating New Years and going to their events and having a good time but it never seems to change the way I feel about New Years and it is with mixed emotions that I enter the New Year and go to a New Year's Eve celebration. Today I have had a tough day. I have felt really emotional and had tears. I have whaled a bit while crying. I am gonna share this and I hope no one thinks I am silly. New Years has 2 different meanings to me......as an adult with FA I made it through another year. I am alive and thank you Lord for that. Then with mixed feelings I am overwhelmed by grief at having FA....grief at having pre-leukaemia and lower counts...grief at what FA may bring this year. Why do I feel this way? Well....it is pretty clear why with what us FA people have to go through...also because I know that in about a months time it is time for my annual bone marrow biopsy and aspiration and I start getting anxious like I am going to have a heart attack. I feel panic because it is SO close...and what are those results going to hold for me in this New Year? What will the New Year be like? Now, I don't have as regular biopsies or aspirations as people would who have pre-leukaemia because I have chosen not to transplant and I could not handle the constant anxiety of receiving results on my blast count all the time. So I choose to still do biopsies etc so that I am in the know...but so it doesn't constantly rule everything in my life...because we my type of personality I would be a wreck all year! The last 3 days I have felt really stressed and anxious and emotional...and then today when I was talking with Alan all these feelings came out and I knew....New Years is different for me....I watch my family celebrate and feel like other people do not have to cope with these feelings as they are at a New Year's Eve event but without a doubt every year....2 or 3 days before and on that night...I have felt these emotions of "can't believe I am still alive" and that is good but also, "oh no...what does the New Year hold?" I don't share these feelings because I don't feel like people would take these feelings seriously and would just dub me as depressed....but New Years is a VERY emotional time for me and I have these things going on in my head all the time! I look at my son and worry if I will be here for him the next year...I look at him and marvel at how I was able to spend this year with him! The other hard thing about New Years is that I am really tired from Christmas. 5 days is not enough to recover from the huge days out that you have with Christmas celebrations. I enjoy Christmas more than New Years....I save every ounce of energy for the Christmas celebrations. Christmas means a lot to me....its meaning of hope and I feel so encouraged....but I am so discouraged that I feel so discouraged in the lead up to New Years. Sometimes I just need to relax but I can't handle being too alone on New Years.....but I get so tired and get worried I will not handle it........although I know that as long as you have someone to spend New Years with....it doesn't matter. My mind is working hard.
Some people would say, "Just trust in God".....however, I believe I do. Sometimes trusting doesn't always stop the thoughts and feelings and also...God is God....I also believe that He can do what He wants to do....how to we explain FA children passing away.....when it is their time. Yes, we can pray and God can change things. He is God. I don't think I have the wrong view....we have prayer meetings every week to pray for my healing but God is God....and in the end it is all His decision........"trust in God" and do what you think God is telling you for your life. Sometimes the heavy load of having FA and the question of when is it my time makes me feel anxious..........that is because I want to live. I want to live as long as everyone who doesn't have FA....it doesn't mean I don't trust God! Some people would say that I don't trust God if this is what my mind is doing and I actually disagree with that point of view. These feelings are real and God...Jesus my Saviour knows that this is all very real for me...and I honestly think that Jesus will honour me for being so honest. I may seem very deep in thought today. New Year is a happy time but it is also a grieving time....they are mixed and I am sure that some FA families really understand that. We try and make the best of New Years even though we have some feelings and thoughts that are hard to contend with.......and that is ok......it is ok to feel this way. That is what my pyschologist used to tell me. It is ok to admit to feelings....it doesn't mean that I am not making the best of everything or enjoying stuff. I enjoy things more if I admit to these feelings because then I have vented things and are not "alone" in my thoughts which makes me feel more released.
Ok, I have talked alot. Thanks for listening and have a good New Years even though I know there are many people out there dealing with loss of Children and adults.....this is the first New years without their children or partners or wives or husbands.....and then there are the people fighting for their lives amongst the celebration! I just wanted to say...I understand you people and it is ok to feel that way. We still celebrate...but there are mixed emotions and that is ok.
Bless you guys,
Happy New Year.
Love Charisse