A discouraging week...not feeling too well

Well this week is just not going how I want it to go! First infusion which is pretty normal for me every 4 weeks, then a very late night with trying to save our cat, the death of our cat and then the grief and then a horrible episode that I sometimes have with my bowel. Because that can be all so personal, I won't go into details. However, it has left me debilitated the whole week. I can't drive the car, or walk properly, or bend down or lift things and I am feeling feverish. I know that on top of this I have an infusion reaction which already makes me feel hot, flushed, nauseated, tired and lethargic. Add grief for the cat and the very late night at 3am while trying to treat him.....and add this episode the next morning and I am feeling SO unwell it is not funny. In fact, I have been taking digesic for this terrible pain. One time I had one of these episodes I was in hospital having morphine. I have been trying to avoid that. However, I am feeling concerned that I am getting ferverish at times.......it could be just all a part of infusion reaction but I feel doubly worse and I am scared to get an infection from the episode (leave that up to your imagination ......hehe). So it looks like tomorrow Alan will ring my specialist and check if I should be on a course of antibiotics with the lower neutrophils to avoid unnecessary infection, especially since I am not feeling well at all.

I have not had an episode this bad for a long while and I forgot how long it takes to recover.....sometimes a week to a week and a half and this just happened to be a bad one and 4 days later I feel NO better at all! I am also more nauseated and having to take anti-emetics (anti-nausea). Usually with infusion I can manage to keep off those. Although last infusion I was so nauseated on one day I did take a maxolon. However, this is ridiculous. I crawl out of bed in the morning feeling horrible. It is normal to feel fatigued and like I didn't sleep with infusion but I feel even worse than usual and it has made me cry a bit.

Here I am complaining about this and brave Delia is in transplant putting up with a lot more. I feel like a wimp. Go gal! You are amazing!

I just think that this week has been an extra wipe out. I am still upset about the cat. I still feel like it is my fault for not noticing and I need to express this to deal with these feelings. Because of all that, I didn't get the rest needed after infusion....the first 2 days rest are critical for not a bad infusion reaction and then I had this episode and I am just real emotional. I know that I take death real hard. I know that after living a life with FA where you are fighting against death all the time, when it happens....even to an animal, I just start to cry and wail....which is exactly what I have been doing when Isaac is not around. The "absentnace"....not even a word I am sure....of Jerry our cat reminds me of what it was like to suddenly not have my brother around after he died a month after transplant. I hate this heaviness.......I don't like my environment to change and I have to admit that feeling those feelings that I so closely associate with my brother, Shannon, are scary and I hate reliving them. Yes, Jerry is a cat and not a human being but the grief still reminds me. It is different to a degree. Well it is different but then why am I so easily reminded and thrown back into those moments when we lost Shannon?

Last night I was up about 6 times with pretty severe pain. It made me feel really tired. Do you mind praying for me? I have seen prayer work lots of times in the last 3 to 4 months. Just today God did something special.

It has been a bit of a discouraging week even though there have been special moments.

I am a new Aunty! Did I tell you that? I will post some pictures of me and the baby! Baby Elizabeth. She is my second niece. That was a happy moment.

Well, I need some sleep. Thank you for your support guys. To be able to share with you really helps me work through things. I want to thank everyone who gave me support when our cat, Jerry died. It meant a lot.
Love Charisse